The second in a series of train writing posts from Friday:
Trying to let off some steam from the commute, ticket, and heat issues to remind myself I am so excited to be heading back home to see long-time family friends who are practically family, I will write a post and reflect on what a roller coaster of a week this was.
The week started off a little sad. I have been lucky enough to spend every weekend so far with my family, but every time I head back to the city of brotherly love I get wearier. I am very fortunate to have a family who really loves me and I love them. I never take for granted how lucky I am that we do anything, everything and beyond for each other, even if that anything is company on a trip to Target or watching Gilmore Girls together. Every moment counts when I am with them, and when I am with them I want to do as much “Sven stuff” as possible. Arriving back to the beautiful guest house, complete with air conditioning, microwave, stove, washer, drier, and usually functioning internet, after dark is, to put it simply, lonesome.
I had a very nice dinner with the Patterson family again on Monday evening. Their kindness, hospitality, and family energy is always comforting to be around. At the end of last week and the beginning of this week, I researched what was successful in the Edinburgh store. This is an endeavor none of the members of UK team had ever worked on, so I felt a little ownership over the project, which has been absent from my other projects.
On Tuesday, I looked at the September Journal to see what the UK had bought compared to what was in the catalogue. First I went through with accessories, then apparel.
The build up of the beginning of the week was for a dinner/drinks outing with the team. The event was for Jourdan, who is leaving, and I was invited to it!! The team had previously gone to dinner when the European version of Wendy, Gisella, was here the second week I was here. I was not invited. But I was considered one of the guys! Although maybe a little less so when they found out I was under 21. This was to be the make up for the birthday fiasco. I was so excited for this, to finally show them who I was outside of being an obedient and hardworking intern that I had built it up too much. I put a lot of pressure on myself for the dinner to be great and for me to become friendlier. My dreams did not come true. I ended up driving Ellen to the diner/bar, Silk City, which was nice, and she was a personable GPS. We made it perfectly, and even found a nearby gas station. 45 seconds after I sat down at the table with all of them, I realized I could not compete with their jokes and age. They talked about things that are a few years beyond mine, like salary, buying houses, neighborhoods, committed relationships, work, office gossip, and general life experiences I haven’t had yet or that I was too young at the time to remember (like cartoon tv shows and the like). So, I ended up being an observer, which I enjoyed because I got to see them outside of work (which isn’t too different from in work because they know how to make work fun), but I think they solidified in their minds that I am a quiet, hardworking, shy person. I am labeled.
So that partially disappointing experience, mixed with missing my family and my friends, having no intern friends here, and not knowing at all how I am doing at work, I completely broke down in the car on the way home. So much so my eyes were puffy the rest of Wednesday. A big portion of my frustration was that I had no idea how I was doing at work. Am I a good intern? Proactive? Just does what I am given? Innovative? Impulsive? Persistent? Not a pestering gnat? A comment Jen had made to me in my interview has really stuck with me, which is that their previous intern was great and hardworking, did what she was told, but that was it. She was not an innovative self-starter. She always needed to be told the next thing to work on. Jen said they were looking for an intern who was more than she was. I am so worried that I am the same or worse than that girl in their eyes. Maybe I am. Maybe I do just what I am told to do and don’t push the limits, which is what they are looking for. But on the other hand, I feel restricted by my limited knowledge. I want to come up with innovated projects and directions for the group, but I don’t know what is within my reach. I don’t have ownership over anything, so I don’t know what is my place. But they want me to break out of my place.
Although I am so happy that there are no other interns with the UK team for them to compare me to and for me to compete against, I am frustrated I have no one to compare myself to. The only intern I can observe is Simon, who moved to the desk at the end of my pod when the UK team switched. He is interning with Marketing, but I don’t know what he does all day. He sits at his laptop (he’s not given a computer) all day. Recently, another intern moved to our pod from Marketing. A new employee started and took her spot. She sits at the same desk as Simon and, in Emily’s words, “practically sits in his lap.” I get the impression he doesn’t do much, he comes to work just after 9 and leaves at 5. When I compare myself to them, I feel I do much more than they do, especially since I think their most recent task has been for them (I think) to basically stuff envelopes. Also, people are constantly coming and talking to him, maybe to tell him to do things. I don’t know, but now that the other intern is there, he yaps away all day, saying out loud, “Philly is, like, the worst city to live in.” The group all had their chance to bash him, especially Emily who sits next to him, at the dinner.
Wednesday was very difficult after that. I didn’t want to face any of the UK people. After a night on the town, I said maybe 7 words the entire evening besides haha, yeah, hello, thank you, and have a good night. Regardless, I chugged along as best I could. I honestly don’t even remember what I did on Wednesday thinking back on it now. Oh wait, I did go to a shoe finalization meeting with Jen for December January and February. So many shoes, and so many that didn’t make the cut that, if I had enough money to support myself with extra to spend, I would buy. An interesting discussion about the way the industry sells the seasons came up. We talked about why is the industry so stupid to sell clothes almost an entire season earlier than what we wear it for. And I finished up the first wave of the Edinburgh project.
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